Meeting My Sister's Birth Mother

This post is a little delayed due to extreme exhaustion - mentally/physically/emotionally - as well as our crazy hectic days. I haven't been in my room since 8am this morning; and it's already midnight. Yesterday I had a headache and couldn't devote the time I wanted to to write this. So even though I might break for a day or two (or even awhile after this trip ends) please don't think it's because I don't care, or don't have anything to say or have stopped. I may just need time to process or simply take a break!

I also wanted to say that even though this trip might end for me on Saturday, the journey will continue. The past three days have been the most emotionally exhausting, confusing, breathtaking, and fluctuating days I have probably ever had. And may ever have. So much goes on after the initial reunion that you have to think about and keep on processing - forever forward. My life has changed. I am wracked with questions about how I will move forward; how do you keep in touch with someone who doesn't speak your language? Someone said it's like you are from different planets- not only is the language a barrier, but the culture is so different that there will never be a true understanding of each other. How do you leave a country that you came from, that you now have family in, and reconcile that into the life you have back home? We have been having conversations and discussions around all of this, but in truth, there is no one who will understand exactly what we are going through. None of our stories are the same. It's a lot to take in. And it will be something I will have with me for the rest of my life.

With that said, I am going to write about my sister's reunion from a total outsider's perspective. I wasn't there for the initial meeting, so I really can't comment on what went down the first few moments, or the first hour for that matter. What I can comment on is what I observed when I was able to interact with her and her mother together. And I am glad that I was able to have that time with them. Just as I am so thankful to have had her here with me. To have her on this trip with me will be my best support for the future; we can understand each other's past and, as both adoptees who have met their bio-families, can also somewhat understand the post-reunion issues that go along with it. 

Anyway, yesterday we woke up and had to meet at 9:30 to meet with her translator and head over to Korean Social Services (KSS), my sister's adoption agency. KSS is very different from Holt, my agency. It is in a remote part of the city, and a small building that is no longer used for current adoptions. Luckily, they still do post-adoption services. After a subway ride and a cab, we got there. Her birth mother had already arrived. I waited in the lobby when she went in. The only thing I heard from the first moments was what I can only describe as a very loud wail; my sister said that her mother was very emotional in the beginning. Since I wasn't in the room, I can't comment on anything else except that pretty soon after, I heard a lot of laughing and talking and it sounded like it was going really well.

They eventually came out, and I got to meet her mother in the waiting room where I had been sitting. She seemed very energetic. She went outside to get her car and brought in a photo album full of pictures of my brother and sister when they were younger. I loved seeing these.

Cool shoes, bro

Proof that at one point, my sister was a total girly-girl

Love the expression on her face; this picture of my brother really reminds me of his oldest son

This picture makes me very sad. It's a picture of them at KSS one time when their mother was visiting them before they were adopted.

I was prepared to be emotional for this reunion; mainly because I had had a very emotional time the day before, so I was gearing up for something similar. But the meeting with her birth mother put me at ease pretty quickly. She talked a lot. She seemed very excited to share all of her stories, and was pretty open with everything. She was quick to give her DNA, even though I had no doubts that was my sister's mother.

I think their eyes crinkle up in the same way when they smile

After she brought the photos in and gave her DNA, we went out to her car to drive to lunch. It was apparent that she was very religious; she had many Christian relics in her car and on her dashboard, and at one point had rosary beads she was going to give my sister. Halfway through the car ride we were talking about how she had gotten into a bad car accident a few years ago, and then another one a year or two ago- and all I could think of was, I hope she is a better driver than my sister! Because sorry C, but you're a terrible driver. I was a little scared being in the car.

We didn't die, so that was good. It was kind of funny because at first she asked us if we liked bulgogi, then duck, then pork ribs- and at that point we were all hungry and would just go anywhere. The translator told us it was because she had taken a few wrong turns and had to keep changing it up where we might go. It was just like something my sister would do. Anyway, we got to a restaurant that was actually really big, but there was hardly no one in there. It was nice to have that casual time with her to really observe her body language and expressions and the way she talked (and boy, did she talk). 

She kept telling Constance to eat more, because she was too skinny (funnily enough, my birth parents told her the same thing)

Pointing out her wrinkles

I could really tell that she was my sister's birth mother. It was interesting, because I didn't feel any physical connection to my own birth mother, but with my sister I could sense it immediately. They had the same mannerisms, the same animation, the same smile, even the same wrinkles. She was very proud of how young she was for her age. My sister was happy about that too. It was like talking to my sister in 30 years. Weird. I teased her about it a little, but I think she liked it.

I don't want to compare this to my own reunion(s), but there was lots of smiling and laughing in it, which was nice, and different from mine. Her birth mother really liked to talk, which helped, although it did have a totally different vibe as well. There's not a perfect word to describe it, but their reunion felt "casual" to me. Like old friends reuniting. There was no doting like my mother had done to me; no hand feeding or extravagant gifts or wistful looks or handholding or tears. Which was cool, because it was kind of like how my sister is. Just kind of cool with it. 

Her mom believes in fateful things like that she was going to meet [my brother & sister] in 33 or 40 years. Kind of crazy because my sister was 3 when she was adopted, and is 36 now, so 33 years later, here they are. It seemed like she felt like this was all in God's plan and she wasn't at all surprised this was happening. It was kind of happy-go-lucky. 

We did get into some deeper conversations about what happened when they were younger, and why she had to give them up for adoption. It sounded like she had a very rough life. When she was pregnant with my brother, their father went off to serve in the Korean military. When my brother was born, he went AWOL and they spent a year or so together. I hope I am getting this all down right. Apparently he wasn't very nice to her (was prone to jealousy and drinking, etc.) and so when she got pregnant with my sister, she reported him to the police and he went to jail (for going AWOL). I'm sure that didn't help things with their family situation, so when he got out and they lived together for a bit longer, things got worse. He didn't have a job or means of supporting the family so they didn't have the financial means to keep the children. His mother had had a stroke and that was hard on their mother. They ended up getting a divorce. There were other details to the story, but I don't want to put down anything inaccurate so I am kind of writing down the basics.

Once it was decided that the kids would have to go up for adoption, their mother was very depressed. She was suicidal, and talked about that very openly with us. She said that now that she has her religion, she knows how big of a sin that would have been, but at the time it was all she could think about- especially at night when the kids were in the orphanage and she wanted them back so badly. She said she would go back to visit them but wasn't in her right mind; and eventually they wouldn't let her in or somehow blocked her from the agency. She went with them to the airport when they were leaving, the whole time thinking about how to get them from leaving. When they made the boarding announcement, she realized it was too late. I can only imagine the pain she was feeling at that moment.

She told many stories of how they were as children; she confirmed the few memories my sister had. How when they were given some money, my sister would go and buy herself a piece of candy and eat it really fast, then make my brother share his; which he always did. How my brother was a prankster, and used to go with her when she would sell things door to door, only to hide the goods or hide from her; how one time he got lost and she was looking for him but he had put his sneakers down and ended up with a Buddhist monk. She said when she explained to my brother, who was 6 and a half at the time, that they had to go to America to be adopted, he asked, "Why can't she go, and I just stay here with you?" My sister seems to think that's funny, but it makes me sad. Because I can't imagine being old enough to comprehend the reality of the situation and wanting so badly for that not to be your reality. She was insistent that they be adopted together so my brother could be a "mother and a father" to my sister; and I know everyone is grateful for that. For them to be together through it was probably the best way for them to survive it.

There were other things we learned, like that she actually had another baby (boy) in between them, but he was a preemie and died after two days. We learned all about my brother's surgery when he was two months old and how much he loved his grandmother and she loved him. She wants him to visit his grandmother's grave when he returns to Korea. How she had a daughter (their half sister) when she was 42 or so and how she was kind of selfish and practiced the piano. Her daughter's name is Dominica- I thought that was very interesting because that's our mother's mother's name too (and very rare, especially for a Korean). She and her husband own an interior design shop. She said she isn't crazy happy but seemed content with her life. Their birth father actually lives in Hawaii. His sister owns a hair salon there. Before he left, he took a picture of them with him because she thought it would be easier for him to find them when he was in the US. She seemed to think he would be a nicer man today, and it would be okay for them to contact him.

She talked so much she didn't have much time to look at pictures or videos. I think it was because for so long she couldn't talk about this to anyone, and this was her chance to get it all out. But it did leave me wondering why she wasn't asking any questions about my sister and brother's current life. She didn't get my sister's phone number or address, or ask how long she was staying. It was like she just assumed they'd be hanging out, and her daughter had come back to her, and she was here for good or something. That part was a little strange for me. 

We asked if she was sad my brother was not there. I think she was just grateful that my sister was, so she didn't have room to be sad. But she also mentioned that she thought he might remember what happened and resent her for it. I think she thinks he will come in his own time.

I felt like there was so much laughter and almost a sense of relief in the initial visit that there was no time working out the future. I am still unsure how my sister feels about all of it; the extent of their relationship or how often they will keep in touch, or when they will see each other next. It was just so different from my own reunion, as I think it was different from other's too. Every reunion is different. But I was left with a feeling that it was a happy reunion, if not resolved. Luckily, my sister is staying on in Korea until the end of the month so she does have more time to figure things out with her mother. 

We said our goodbyes mainly at the restaurant. When we got back in the car, she drove us to the subway station and just kind of dropped us off. She was sweet and kissed my hand and said something in Korean but it was not a dramatic exit like it had been with mine. She gave her a bag of ginseng as a parting gift. I think that kind of jives with the way my sister is, so it felt almost natural- like it was assumed they would see each other in a few days, even though nothing was ever said about the next time. The ball is now in my sister's court about where their relationship will go, and I think she needs time to think about what she wants and respond to her b-mother in her own time. 

I hope I have done her reunion as much justice as I could have from a 3rd party perspective. I am just glad to have had the opportunity to meet her and see them together. I am grateful that she had this chance too. I don't think either of us know what the future holds with our crazy extended Korean families, but I'm glad we are in this together.