Today I met my birth mother.
The morning started off well; I actually got some sleep last night and woke up at 7:15, more continuous sleep than I’ve gotten this whole trip. I had a quick breakfast and then hopped in a cab with a GOA’L staff member and another adoptee who was also going to meet her birth family. We had been told we would be meeting with a social worker first to review our case, then have the meeting with our family. But when I got there, the social worker told me that my mother had already arrived and was waiting for me.
It all seemed so quick. I was taken to a room and there she was. I have been preparing for this since I found out I was going on the trip and I guess I have been preparing for the worst. I have been hearing all of these extreme stories and watching filmed reunions and thought it would be a huge crying fest with a lot of touching and tears. Apart from the initial first hug, there really wasn’t much crying. And for the most part she gave me my personal space too. I was pleasantly surprised.
At first I went in with the two social workers, but then I brought in my own interpreter and eventually my sister. The first thing that struck me was that I didn’t think I looked like her…at all. She said I looked like my father. Some people there thought we had a similar nose, but that was about it. She kept saying that she was happy that I had grown up so well. She was saying thank you and sorry and she missed me. She gave me a very sweet letter that she had written “through many tears.” She wanted me to call her Oma (the Korean word for mother). She said that the day after she gave me up, she went back to the hospital to look for me, but they couldn’t tell her where I was because she was only talking to doctors, and they had already taken me away. She felt like this was all a dream come true – that I had come back and found her. I asked her why she had agreed to meet with me, and she said I had come from so far away, and she had been waiting for so long.
Most of the pictures taken were her looking at me; someone finally had to tell her to look at the camera
There was a lot of time for us to cover all the questions I had, and I was happy that she was so willing to answer everything. I found out that most of the things I had been told by the social workers at Holt from my file were wrong. She was not a widow; she had been divorced from her first husband. She only had two children. After me, she never remarried. This was not a secret reunion for her- she had just been told by Holt to keep it a secret. There was lots of misinformation between her and Holt and me. I asked who knew about me: my father, her younger sister, her mother, and her friends. Her mother had seen her when she was pregnant with me. But her mother did not know that I was adopted, which I thought was weird. It wasn’t clear what she thought happened to me. But I found out that her mother is still alive – 98 years old! Sorry Tom, I may be here to stay for awhile. Her mother lives in Seoul with her [mother’s] younger brother. There’s a possibility she may want me to meet them and go to her house; I am worried that I will give her a heart attack.
She had two children from her marriage; one girl and one boy- my half siblings. She gave me pictures of them. I don’t think I look like them, but someone said I looked kind of like my half-brother. They both have children too, all boys! I am cursed. My half-sister, Kim Min Sun, lives in Kangwondo, not too far from Seoul with her three boys, and owns a hotel. My half-brother, Kim Hong Sool, lives in Seoul with his two boys. He is almost 50 and my half-sister is 47; neither of them know about me. She said she would tell them if I wanted her to, but I'm not even sure if that's what I want anymore. My half-sister looks a little scary from her picture. I’m actually not sure if I want to meet her. She may beat me up.
She was born on June 22, 1946 in Seoul, where she also grew up. She now lives alone and stays at home (doesn’t work). She lives very close to where I am staying; right in Haeundae Beach, near the Chosun Beach Hotel (the Westin Chosun). She pointed out where she lives; it’s behind an apartment complex in a place that kind of looks like an office building. The whole time I was looking out the Tower, she was right below me.
She has one sister, who is younger (54) and lives in France. She is married to a Caucasian Frenchman and has four children. I forgot to ask if they were boys or girls. She said that she speaks English and is fluent “wherever she goes.” She travels a lot and when [my mother] travels, it is usually with her. She said that her sister was in high school when she was pregnant with me, and living with her. She asks about me often and misses me. She gave me a picture of her; everyone thought I looked like her sister.
I was shocked to find out that she is still in touch with my birth father. His name is Jung Jong Oh. He is about 57 years old, much younger than my mother. He was 25 when they met; she was 35. She said they broke up because at the time, he was not ready to get married. But she knew he would eventually leave so she broke things off with him. He saw her when she was pregnant with me, so he knows of my existence. Apparently, they met up about 10 years ago and he asked about me, and where I was. She told him she did not know. He now lives in Incheon (Seoul) with his family (supposedly 1 boy and 1 girl). My files said he was a “boilerman” and I assumed he was a laborer, someone who worked on trains. But she said he is an electrical engineer for very large buildings. The staff thinks he is a boiler technician. She is going to call him tonight and see if he wants to meet with me before I leave. She was mostly worried that he would not have time or be there because of Chuseok coming up. I am so surprised that she still has his contact information, and she is comfortable enough to just call him up and ask him this. In America I think it would be a huge deal, and the wife would probably be pretty pissed off. So who knows what will happen. **UPDATE ON THIS TO COME TOMORROW**
Her best friend was there with her and she was pretty cool. She had dyed purple hair and younger clothes. She said that even though they had only been friends for 2-3 years, they were so close because they had been in the hospital together when my mother had breast surgery. [My mother] had breast cancer, but discovered it in its early stages and has now fully recovered. She said she still goes to the hospital 3 times a month to make sure she maintains her health. She had no family in Busan when she went through all that, so her friend was the one who was there for her. She said she would talk more with her friend there, so it was good to have her. Her friend said that my mother is a “cool lady.” Too funny.
I found out other things about her, which were also interesting. Like that she has great eyesight, even though I don’t. That she has the same size feet as me. That she doesn’t dye her hair, even at 67, and she hardly had any grey hairs. She said I would not have to dye my hair. And that I shouldn’t, because it makes your skin worse. She said she had great teeth. She's a good cook- especially kimchi. She wants to give me a jar to bring home (I'm nervous about stinking up the plane). She had good health, despite the breast cancer. She doesn’t like having her picture taken. She kept saying how ugly she looked in the pictures and how pretty I was compared to her. She thinks my hands are small like hers. Her friend said she is always running around, eating too fast, and rushing; I think I am the same way. One funny thing she said was that when she had a gift for someone, she had to give it to them right away- she couldn’t wait. Tom can attest that that is exactly what I am like. I try to give him Christmas presents in July. She also said that she has a lot of stress, and I think I may get that from her. I asked about any other medical history or illnesses I should know of, and apart from breast cancer she didn’t say anything. Except that her blood type is O and so is my father’s. I’ll have to check on that when I get home.
She kept saying how happy she was. That she had not eaten or slept for a week since she found out I was coming. Her friend said she had lost a lot of weight over it and gone down a few sizes. I felt sad for her that she was so wistful that I had not come sooner. She kept saying that she wished I had come years ago when she was not so old. That she could have helped with my wedding. She said my sons look like Tom and that she hopes I have a daughter who looks like me. So do I! She also said that she had called Holt many times since she found out I was coming, asking about me – if I was married or have children. She wanted to be prepared for the meeting with the right gifts, but since they didn’t have any information on me, she said she didn’t know what to get me.
She wouldn’t let me carry anything. She wanted to give me everything in her purse; she basically did. Even down to the container of gum she had. She kept trying to give me a makeup mirror. She asked if I wore makeup; I think she was a little disappointed when I said no. She wanted to buy me makeup and lipstick. She gave me the necklace she was wearing. It is gold with a ruby; she has the matching ring. I think she wanted to have that connection with me. She had been given it as a wedding gift by her son's wife (I think it was a thank you gift). She gave me a bag with a bunch of practical items in it; a towel, a toothbrush, pens, lipstick, creams, a belt – in her letter she said, “the things I brought for you are all basic things that you’ll need here. Forgive your foolish mother.”
She wanted to buy everything for me. She was so worried about my feet that she wanted to go to a store and get me new shoes. She wants to buy clothes for my sons and the unborn baby, clothes for me, clothes even for Tom. She tried to buy me things in the gift shop. She bought pictures of us from the Aquarium. She wouldn’t let me pay for the cab or the aquarium fee. She tried to pay the translator, and pay the Holt workers but no one would take her money. It is Korean custom to give money and gifts, and helps them to feel like they are giving you something, but it’s hard to accept gifts that I do not want or need. We have plans to meet tomorrow morning to go shopping. Everyone here says I need to just go and do it with her and let her buy anything she wants because it is what she needs to do to feel okay with everything. It should be an interesting day.
After the initial meeting at Holt, we went out to lunch. She was so concerned about me eating and not getting hungry, since I am pregnant. She kept feeding me and rolling bulgogi up and putting food on my plate, then scolding me for eating too fast. It was pretty amusing. She even handfed my sister. She didn't eat much because she said she was too happy, she didn't need to eat. I tried to pay for lunch but she would not have it.
Then she wanted to go to the Busan Aquarium. I actually had wanted to go (I have a thing for aquariums) so it was fun. She was a sport; there was this small show that they put on with a little bit of dancing and magic and other weird Korean things, and she participated. Kind of unlike me..usually I shy away from doing that kind of thing. But I followed her lead.
After the aquarium, she wanted to go to the beach and put our feet in the water. The translator, my sister and I all thought we were going to the ocean, but instead we went to a small foot spa right by the beach. It was interesting. First you walk up and clean your feet in a shallow pool. Then you go to the foot spa area where there are pebbles inlaid in the floor and the water is super hot. She said it was good for our health. She seemed to know other people there and even told a man the whole story about what we were doing there and told him I was her daughter. We just sat for awhile and relaxed. My sister and I went down to the beach quickly to put our feet in the ocean. Then we all said our goodbyes; it was short and sweet since I’ll be seeing her tomorrow.
I am grateful for GOA’L for preparing me so well for this. Truthfully, the whole thing was so much easier than I thought it was going to be. I had mentally prepared for it to be emotionally overwhelming, and it really wasn’t. I do have feelings of sadness for her; that she is alone here in Busan, but I think she is actually OK. She has a good friend who obviously cares for her, and two children not too far away. I am pretty sure she is living a good life. She does not work, so she isn’t financially strapped- I asked her if she was okay and she kept saying yes. She felt like this was all a happy dream. She willingly gave her DNA – so we will have confirmation that she is my true birth mother soon.
I feel surprised that I do not feel a strong emotional connection with her. My feelings may change later, but it felt like spending a day with a stranger, who just wanted to buy me everything and take care of me. I think it was a healing experience for her. It was a lot less dramatic than I thought it was going to be. It was nice having my sister there to add conversation. The interpreter (Minyeong) was also great. It also makes me feel better about my life and confirms my feelings of happiness and content with where I am today. I think some people come here hoping to find their family because they have a void or feel as if they want another family or another life, but I don’t feel that way. I really am one of the lucky ones. I feel sad for her because I do not know how often I will keep in touch. She asked me to write her letters; she tried to learn “the computer” two years ago, but that was when she came down with breast cancer and never continued with it. The man at the foot spa told her that she needed to start reading English books so she could talk to her daughter. I was surprised by that; I thought they would expect me to learn Korean and not the other way around. I think we may keep in touch through her sister, who speaks English and has email. That will be the easiest way.
One thing that was a little sad for me was that my Korean name, Han Bo Reum, was given to me by a social worker and not by her. But, I am happier now to know the truth. And I know even more about my past. I got all of my questions answered. I am actually okay if I do not meet my half siblings, though I am hopeful I will meet my birth father. At the least he will know about me and that I am alive and well. And I can still tell my boys the ending to my story that begins with “Once upon a time in spring…”
I really enjoy the way you write; detailed, funny, and complete with a cliffhanger ending: Will she meet her father tomorrow or not? I hope so!
ReplyDeleteGlad all has gone so well, and there will be no mom/daughter spooning in your future.