Friday started out to be a crazy day. The woman who is watching the boys was going to come over to do a trial run, so I had the whole morning to get stuff done. I had an ultrasound, then a doctor appointment, then had to go get bloodwork done at another office, and then went to get a flu shot and pick up some last minute precautionary medications. I was already a little harried, so when I got a text message from someone at G.O.A.'L (the organization that is running the Korea trip) I was a little nervous. He asked if I had heard from Holt - my adoption agency. I had not, so he then said he was going to call me.
I was totally not expecting this call. In the middle of a busy morning- my heart stopped. He told me they had found my birth mother, and that I would be meeting her in Busan when I was there (on September 9). I knew this was monumental- I could feel the shift from thinking I was going to go on a fun, interesting, food-filled trip to Korea with my sister to knowing this trip might change my life. I felt overwhelmed and emotional, but I can't quite put my feelings into words. It's not sadness, or happiness, or even excitement- if anything I am just nervous. Nervous because I have no idea what to expect. Nervous because I really never even thought this would happen.
I have never been one of those adoptees who have felt lost, out of place, or insecure about my adoption. People sometimes ask me when I found out I was adopted; I can't answer that. I have no idea. I suppose I always knew. I mean, my brother, sister and I are Korean- we look Asian- and my parents are white, so isn't it obvious? There was no pivotal moment for me. There was no serious conversation. I just always knew. I think it's funny when people tiptoe around adoption questions with me. I am not affected by it. I feel totally normal. But now I am starting to feel like I am abnormal for feeling normal about it.
I thank my mom and dad for who I am today. I guess I was one of the lucky ones. I had a great childhood. I never had a want for anything. I grew up in a wonderful suburb and had all the clothes, food, friends, toys, anything I could ever ask for. I received a great education. I went to an Ivy League college. I got a good job out of college. I was independent. I felt stable. I haven't ever really had any huge emotional or psychological issues. Even though my father died a few years ago, I've recovered from it. I miss him, but it's a part of life. I have a family now. A wonderful husband, two beautiful boys, and a baby on the way. It sounds cheesy, but I'm really happy. I have everything I ever wanted. It almost makes me feel bad- when I read about how other adoptees feel, and when I connect with the others going on the trip on the group's Facebook page- should I not feel this way? Should I feel lost? Should I feel sad? Is it bad that I'm not??
It seems like ever since they "found my birth mother" everyone has an opinion about how I should feel, how I should act, and what questions I need to ask. My husband, my family, my friends- heck, even my hairdresser. Is it really so bad that I don't have any expectations? That I truly don't feel abandoned, or angry or upset? I know it will be an incredibly overwhelming, emotional experience- the actual meeting- but is it bad that I don't have any specific things I want to get out of it? That I don't feel one way or another about keeping in touch, or what will happen next? I know I am supposed to prepare for the meeting, and have all these questions and want all of these things, but I kind of just want to go into it and see where it goes. See how I feel in the moment, and see what she's like. I do want to know more about my half siblings, and where they are, and if they even know about me- but I am not even that curious about my father or what circumstances led to my adoption, or what happened between now and then. Is that really so bad?! It feels like it is. It feels like everyone has expectations for me to have expectations, and that's what's the most nerve-wracking part of it all for me.
So I guess you could say that things have been busy- but not even in a "getting-ready-for-the-trip" sort of way. I mean, I haven't even started packing. I am a total procrastinator, so I've been trying to focus on my family and spend fun time with them before I go. Yesterday we took the boys to a county fair, and let them stay up really late. Today we went out to breakfast, which we never do, and then went to church. This afternoon I'm going to get a pedicure with my niece (her school colors!) so she's ready for her first day of Kindergarten. Tonight we are going out on a date- just my husband and I. We were even thinking of going to Busch Gardens tomorrow. But I actually don't think that's a good idea..I should probably spend the day before I leave actually getting ready to go. Today I am trying to put together a photo album for my birth mother. But how do you put your whole life into a 160-photo album? I am kind of at a loss. It feels like a lot of work. I am procrastinating by writing this blog. Maybe I should start packing...
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